I knew I shouldn’t have said it

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Just when you think the road is bright and sunny the clouds always come rolling in.  Well today has been a steady rain with little promise of letting up.

I’m not sure if it my pushing through so much information about business development or just the general stress of maintaining a positive outlook on EVERYTHING.

Life is great as most people looking at us who agree.  What I can’t wrap myself around though is how today I’m feeling like such a failure.  While I know I’m not, depression just makes me think that way.

It sucks that it comes up when I’m feeling good about things.  A little bug that buzzes inside your head making everything noisy and distorted.  I pray tomorrow will be better!

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Quiet life

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Having a mental disability isn’t always disabling.  At times my life is just as quiet as anyone else and just as full of moments with family, friends and work.

The voices are quieter but they are there, the visual hallucinations are still in the shadows but over-all its a good life and I’m able to cope better than before.

The switch to the Seroquel XR has helped me out a great deal.  The aches, tremors and spasms have disappeared.  So has the nasal congestion which always put me into a panic attack!  The only down side is it is harder to fight through the sedation early in the morning.  But hey, I really should be getting up earlier anyway.

Work has been keeping me busy.  While not always with clients, the growing and learning new skills is helping me how to build a better business.  One that hopefully by this time next year will be self sufficient and bringing in a good profit.

So what is my day like?  Well I general get up around 9 and am to work by 10.  I work through the entire day, stopping only briefly for a bite to eat and then am done around 5.  I figure that works out to 7 hours, same as anyone else but without all the breaks through the day.

I’m not finding it too draining as I try to plan out my clients far between.  These are what take the most energy.  It’s not so much the pets, but the people.  I am still very conscientious of my behaviour around them.  Always wondering of the impression I have given them.  Ironically though some of my best clients know that I have Bi-Polar disorder simply because they too have someone in their family who deals with it too.

Getting to know people, letting them into your personal life should be done with caution.  But to this day (with one exception) I’ve never met someone who spoke badly about the condition or how it affects me.

We’re looking forward to heading out to the East Coast in just about a month.  We’re heading out to visit Holli and see her graduate from grade 12.  It amazes me that she’s been my daughter since she was three.  She’s grown up quite a bit in that time!

Since we’re out there we’ll be taking our holidays while there.  We’re renting a nice RV to take a week to relax and enjoy the Bay of Fundy area.  I am looking forward to the break and time with family.

When we’re away I’ll post photos if I get the chance.

Well for now it’s time to call it a day.  I hear Doug upstairs trying to figure out what to do for supper.  I love lazy type of days when someone else does the cooking / or take out. {grin}

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Another Mother’s Day in passing

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I have always had mixed feelings about Mother’s Day even as a kid.  I never knew what to get my Mom to really make an impact on her.  Being a small child it was easier.  You did up the little card through in some cute coupons and voila you were done.  As we get older more our gift giving changes. We go to the store buy some trinket, a card and maybe flowers.  While all these are good, they are well; less personal.

It was only recently while I was doing the annual house clean I came upon some of my older gifts.  These were all made by the kids and you know what they mean the most to me.  From that little tattered and worn out construction paper card, the glass pop bottle covered in tissue paper; these remind me of my kids.  A time when they seemed to need me more and the love was constantly within my reach.

The kids are all grown up know, except for Salem at 13.  Times have changed and while we still love and need each other the dynamics have definitely changed.  I don’t lavish over Mother’s Day.  In fact it makes me quite uncomfortable.  While most Mom’s get breakfast in bed and lots of cool gifts; all I want is a pleasant day with my family doing something that makes us all enjoy each other.

For me this year it was making them breakfast.  Then it was out to do some window shopping and laughing at some of the crazy stuff we saw saw in stores.  It was about simply spending time together, something that is precious and can never be taken for granted.

I wish on Mother’s Day I knew if I made myself available enough to my Mom, who passed away some years ago. While there was the love, I don’t think I ever told her I appreciated her in away that she understood.  Today I have some of the trinkets I gave her and those help me remember the days we did spend together.

I always feel so guilty that I don’t go to her grave site on this special occasion, but that just goes with my upbringing.  As a family we did not visit the deceased on special occasions, instead we reflected and remember the times we had together.

This was the first year that I didn’t spend with my “borrowed” Mom which seemed a bit strange.  We’ve gotten together every other year but this year was different.  We are catching up next weekend and that’s OK too.  Every day we spend with our Moms is special.  There is no need for a “holiday” to celebrate her.

If I hear that I appreciated and am given a thanks everyone once in while I’d trade that any day for only a single occasion filled with trinkets, cards and gifts.  Time with my family is my gift; not just to me but to them too.

So if you have a family – remember to tell them lots of how important they are too.  Don’t hold back and wait for the holidays to tell them so it may be too late.

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